How to Respectfully Approach A Mistress: A Brief Guide

Most new submissives have no idea how to respectfully approach a Mistress. It is dizzying the near-constant barrage of one-word and one-liner messages a Mistress gets.

These ways of initiating contact are not even responded to by a lot of Mistresses because We don’t have the time and it comes off to Us as selfish, creepy, & disrespectful. The way We see it, if the person is not invested enough to put time and thought into impressing Us with their first communication, why should We invest any amount of time or effort in them?!

It’s important to approach a Mistress you’re trying to impress with the level of formality that you would use in a job application or someone else you want to impress.

Needless to say, it is not good form or usually effective to approach a reputable Mistress with a one-liner, no matter how nice or well-intentioned it is. I suggest you write any Mistress in proper letter format with punctuation, good grammar, and at least several sentences explaining why you’re reaching out. Remember that you are not entitled to a response. 

If you want to gain bonus points, you can capitalize Her pronouns (see what I did there?! Pronouns means Your, Yours, She, Her, & Hers). In contrast, you would use only lowercase for the same pronouns that relate to you the sub, even if your personal pronoun begins a sentence. Here’s an example snippet:

"As a Mistress, Your skill in tease & denial is quite remarkable. i admire the level of dedication You’ve put into learning Your art."

Notice what has been capitalized relating to the Mistress: Mistress, Your, You’ve, Your. For the sub, there is a lowercase “i” at the beginning of a sentence. This change in punctuation rules is a way subs can indicate submission through writing.

Some Mistresses might not be familiar with this style of writing, and that is not necessarily an indicator that they're inexperienced or lesser calibre, however, these rules are pretty standard among the classical FemDom community. If a Mistress directs you to use regular punctuation, of course you need to submissively and respectfully defer to Her wishes.

It is also good form to frame the exchange oriented towards how you could serve the Mistress in some (non-sexual unless She prompts you otherwise) ways that could please and benefit Her, rather than focusing on your own desires, pleasure, what you hope to get out of it, or, frankly, any thought process driven by your dong.

With any Mistress, there must be some sort of reciprocity and service for Her efforts and the training She would put into you. With Pros, this usually takes the form of a monetary tribute, and may also include other services. For Lifestyle-only Dommes, it's going to require more than simply showing up or being cute. What sorts of skills and services do you have that could please a Mistress? How do you plan to spoil Her and make sure She feels adequately appreciated for Her efforts? Make sure to share these in your message.

Dear Mistress,

You seem quite skilled in Your art and i admire the immense amount of work and effort You’ve clearly put into reaching Your level of skill in whip throwing. Do You have any openings for a dedicated whipping boy and/or foot service sub? What is Your preferred way for someone to apply to serve You?

i am a submissive man seeking a Mistress to serve ongoingly and have a lot of skills that I hope You could find useful and pleasing, such as: providing superior foot rubs (I have studied reflexology to better serve You in this area), serving as Your foot mat or foot stool, skills with computers, and a deep desire to please. i would like to contribute to Your pleasure and satisfaction, if desired, by doing services for You such as errands and/or household chores, and from time to time treating You to a nice meal, a shoe shopping experience, and similar.

i would be happy to provide more detailed information and a clothed photo if desired with Your guidance about the best means to do so.

Sincerely,

foot sub

Notice several things about this message:

The message refers to specific talents, interests, and skills of the Mistress. It demonstrates that the sub has taken the time to read Her profile, has noticed some matching interests, and is not just blindly firing of “shots in the dark” without doing any of their own vetting or discernment.

The message doesn’t launch immediately into the sub’s kinks & fetishes (read: "dong-centric" things--technical term). When he does bring up a kink or fetish, he does it tastefully with thought put into how it could be used in service for Her vs how he can get off and have his needs catered to by the Mistress. The sub also asks for Her direction about Her application process. The sub is looking to the Mistress as the authority and demonstrating submissive behavior in this way from the start.

The sub actually expresses some desirable skills and attributes (see second paragraph of sample message) vs self-demeaning descriptions like: “Mistress, i’m just a wee piss stain not worth Your time.” Even if your kink is humiliation or degradation, an intro is not the time to break that out. you have not negotiated and She has not yet consented to being in any sort of D/s exchange with you. From a "selling yourself to Her" standpoint, why would a gorgeous and highly-sought skilled Mistress waste Her time on a loser?! This is the time to respectfully and submissively entice Her with some positive traits, skills, & etc. that you have to offer Her that could benefit Her life. 

Should you reach the negotiation stage with Her, then is the time to discuss your degradation kink and other wishes or desires you might have, not in the introductory stage.

Depending upon how you discovered the Mistress you are attempting to approach, you may need do some other preparations before you approach Her. Things to keep in mind when approaching a Mistress:

• If you discovered Her on an online or app platform like FetLife or Feeld, make sure your profile is good. This means having a decent bio that shares about various aspects of who you are as a person, conveys your intelligence and social skills, and is not just about your kinks.
• No dick pics for your profile pic. 

A PSA on dick pics:  The vast majority of women are wildly UNINTERESTED in seeing your dong unless they ask. I don’t know who forgot to mention this to men everywhere, but a dong pic does not elicit in most women the same excitement as, say, a boob photo does in most men. For Me, I literally feel repulsed, throw up in My mouth a little, and will probably instantaneously block someone if I see an unsolicited dick pic. 

A pic showing you clothed at least from the waist down is good. Some Dommes might appreciate a tasteful ab/muscles photo if you’re fairly chiseled, and if you’re not, it’s probably better to do a cute & flattering clothed photo. Think LinkedIn headshot. 

It might be very worth your time to get 3-5 professional photos of yourself to capture yourself in a light that will make you appear more desirable and upload them to your profile and/or have them on hand to send to a Mistress if requested.

Many, many, many communications from subs come across with a person allegedly identifying as a submissive, yet treating the Mistress like She is some kind of kink dispenser or like She is a Domme with the sole purpose to meet the needs of the sub. This is highly disrespectful and unsubmissive.

At the heart of any true submissive should be the driving desire to please his Mistress. Whether his kink itches get scratched is fairly irrelevant in the bigger picture of the joy of serving his Mistress, seeing Her happy & well taken care of, and pleasing Her. That in and of itself should be the greatest reward.

It might surprise some, but the more truly devoted a sub is to his Mistress’ pleasure, the more likely he is to actually get his kink needs met in a deep and satisfying way. True submission and pleasing of the Mistress must always come first.

Further Resources:

The legendary Simone Justice has written advice on how to prepare for and behave during your first session:  https://www.simonejustice.com/single-post/behavior-with-a-dominant